plastic frog

 I know the title sounds terrible, but that is how I feel. Of course I have to work to live, and I know I am incredibly privileged to be able to work.  I just feel so lost when I think about the time I have to spend working and the things that I would actually enjoy that I could do instead. And I'll probably have to work until I'm like 70 which is about 50 years of work. When I get home I am exhausted. I do my laundry. I cook for myself. I take a shower, do my skincare routine. I have no energy for much else. I'm just reading "The Wind-up Bird Chronicle" and there is this scene quite in the beginning of the book where Toru Okada makes himself spaghetti while reading a book and it's so simple but seems so chill. I crave this lifestyle. Having no pressure to do something great. Just existing and being.  I know I sound lazy and demented but I genuinly am scared of being stuck in a job I hate. Day in and day out the same routine. Living on the weekends. Looking fo...

 I know I haven't posted in a long time but life has been stressful. I moved out, changed my workplace and have a totally different life now. It's overwealming. But this isn't what I wanted to talk about today, I wanted to talk about having a longterm crush on someone, in my case it has actually been four years (I know, I'm not proud of it tbh).  Recently I have been writing in my diary again after not doing so for months and I also read old entries from 2018 and it's basically me gushing about someone who I honestly still would totally date and have tried to forget but it is difficult. It's not even like I dated them and we broke up and I can't get over them. Nope, I was in the almost friends phase for a while with them and then Covid came along and with homeschooling the beginning friendship stopped. Honestly, I do think that it was my fault for being super intimidated by them and I probably was weird around them because I was nervous so I do not blame the...

So as you might have guessed from the title I'm moving out very soon. I have only ever lived in one place and to now move somewhere a few hours away from home for a year is very anxiety enducing to me. I've compliled a list of things that help me deal with it, maybe it can help someone else who is in a similar situation deal with these things too Find out more about the town/city you'll live in One of the things that helped me the most was researching about the place that's soon going to be my home. With that I mean look at the town via google maps, find out as much via google as possible ... Maybe there is an interesting sounding coffee shop nearby that I would want to check out. Further, knowing practical things like how the public transport there works and where the bus/train stations are located give me security and I feel more prepared and not as lost.  Write a packing list This is pretty self explanitory but writing a list of the things you want/need to bring is i...

  I hate my birthday. There. I said it. I hate hate hate it. I think it’s the fast passing of time that really bothers me. I don’t feel like I am 18, I don’t feel as if I am an adult. I don’t even really want to be an adult, if I am completely honest. The day of my birthday was so strange. My parents don’t really have much time, so I sat by myself in my room (quarantine style) with a cake I had baked for myself the night before and cried my eyes out. I didn’t even know why exactly. A mixture of nostalgia, feeling utterly alone and feeling like I did not accomplish anything in the 18 years that I was on this planet. I made a playlist, especially for my birthday the night before, and so I sat there and cried and cried. This playlist will probably be the playlist of this month, although it's already almost over, but hey. I am so afraid of the future, I am afraid of wasting my life and looking back and feeling like I did exactly nothing. A part of why I was so sad was proba...