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I am 18 now and it feels weird

 

I hate my birthday. There. I said it. I hate hate hate it.

I think it’s the fast passing of time that really bothers me. I don’t feel like I am 18, I don’t feel as if I am an adult. I don’t even really want to be an adult, if I am completely honest.

The day of my birthday was so strange. My parents don’t really have much time, so I sat by myself in my room (quarantine style) with a cake I had baked for myself the night before and cried my eyes out. I didn’t even know why exactly. A mixture of nostalgia, feeling utterly alone and feeling like I did not accomplish anything in the 18 years that I was on this planet.

I made a playlist, especially for my birthday the night before, and so I sat there and cried and cried. This playlist will probably be the playlist of this month, although it's already almost over, but hey.

I am so afraid of the future, I am afraid of wasting my life and looking back and feeling like I did exactly nothing.

A part of why I was so sad was probably also because Teen movies gave me an unrealistic expectation of what “living the teenage lifestyle” is, or at least should be.

There is a scene  in “the perks of being a wallflower”, that I’d like to share. I cry every time at the end of that movie (as you can probably guess, I cry quite easily lol)

I had to think about this scene that day, and also that one scene in Ladybird, where she buys all the things that you are allowed to buy when you're over 18. I did walk in a small shop, that sold cigarettes and magazines but I was too shy to buy a NSFW magazine and cigarettes, the guy that works there asked me about two times if I needed something, so I walked out and bought a Monster (for the first time in my life, yeah, I am not into energy drinks at all, but I saw so many girls have them in their room as decoration, I just had to)

I also listened to the Mamma Mia soundtrack that day. When I was 14, I was obsessed with the movies, and the music. It felt like yesterday.

I don't feel different then I did when I was 17. I just feel ... lost

Love,

Pluto

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