Skip to main content

I am 18 now and it feels weird

 

I hate my birthday. There. I said it. I hate hate hate it.

I think it’s the fast passing of time that really bothers me. I don’t feel like I am 18, I don’t feel as if I am an adult. I don’t even really want to be an adult, if I am completely honest.

The day of my birthday was so strange. My parents don’t really have much time, so I sat by myself in my room (quarantine style) with a cake I had baked for myself the night before and cried my eyes out. I didn’t even know why exactly. A mixture of nostalgia, feeling utterly alone and feeling like I did not accomplish anything in the 18 years that I was on this planet.

I made a playlist, especially for my birthday the night before, and so I sat there and cried and cried. This playlist will probably be the playlist of this month, although it's already almost over, but hey.

I am so afraid of the future, I am afraid of wasting my life and looking back and feeling like I did exactly nothing.

A part of why I was so sad was probably also because Teen movies gave me an unrealistic expectation of what “living the teenage lifestyle” is, or at least should be.

There is a scene  in “the perks of being a wallflower”, that I’d like to share. I cry every time at the end of that movie (as you can probably guess, I cry quite easily lol)

I had to think about this scene that day, and also that one scene in Ladybird, where she buys all the things that you are allowed to buy when you're over 18. I did walk in a small shop, that sold cigarettes and magazines but I was too shy to buy a NSFW magazine and cigarettes, the guy that works there asked me about two times if I needed something, so I walked out and bought a Monster (for the first time in my life, yeah, I am not into energy drinks at all, but I saw so many girls have them in their room as decoration, I just had to)

I also listened to the Mamma Mia soundtrack that day. When I was 14, I was obsessed with the movies, and the music. It felt like yesterday.

I don't feel different then I did when I was 17. I just feel ... lost

Love,

Pluto

Labels

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

menstrual cups and feminism

I've started using a menstrual cup recently (yes I know that I am years late to the "trend") and naturally, before trying it, I watched a ton of YouTube videos prepare, see how it worked and how to use it. The openness in those videos was so refreshing and the people who talked about using a cup seemed so confident and comfortable in their bodies.It made me think about how little menstruation is talked about, even though about half the population menstruates, and how little I myself knew about my own body.  I think a big part of why cups were intimidating to me is because I was (and probably still am) not entierly comfortable with my body. There is a such stigma surounding mensturation and if cis men menstruated, the conversation would be totally different. The cup community felt like a safe space in a world full of euphamisms for the word "period" and blue liquids in advertisments. And no, I don't advocate for the buzzfeed-paint-with-used-tampons type of fe...
Post a Comment
Read more

on having a long term crush on someone

 I know I haven't posted in a long time but life has been stressful. I moved out, changed my workplace and have a totally different life now. It's overwealming. But this isn't what I wanted to talk about today, I wanted to talk about having a longterm crush on someone, in my case it has actually been four years (I know, I'm not proud of it tbh).  Recently I have been writing in my diary again after not doing so for months and I also read old entries from 2018 and it's basically me gushing about someone who I honestly still would totally date and have tried to forget but it is difficult. It's not even like I dated them and we broke up and I can't get over them. Nope, I was in the almost friends phase for a while with them and then Covid came along and with homeschooling the beginning friendship stopped. Honestly, I do think that it was my fault for being super intimidated by them and I probably was weird around them because I was nervous so I do not blame the...
Post a Comment
Read more

being sad about the passing of a celebrity - and why it is okay

 (Yes this is about SOPHIE) First off, it is okay and valid to feel sad about a person you didn't personally know dying.  In a way you had a relationship with them, you "knew" them for years, maybe even decades and you feel as though you grew with them and you changed with them. This parasocial relationship was one sided of course, but it often doesn't feel like it. I find that, especially with musicians, because they put so much (or seemingly so much) of their own personality into their music, we feel as though they are speaking directly to us. For me, and probably many people out there, music and specific songs are connected to so many memories. I saw rumours about her passing on Twitter first thing in the morning and it was like someone kicked me in the stomach. It hurt. I still can't listen to "it's okay to cry" without actually crying (thanks for telling me that it's okay <3) or at least feeling this deep sadness and I'm no...
Post a Comment
Read more