plastic frog

 I know the title sounds terrible, but that is how I feel. Of course I have to work to live, and I know I am incredibly privileged to be able to work.  I just feel so lost when I think about the time I have to spend working and the things that I would actually enjoy that I could do instead. And I'll probably have to work until I'm like 70 which is about 50 years of work. When I get home I am exhausted. I do my laundry. I cook for myself. I take a shower, do my skincare routine. I have no energy for much else. I'm just reading "The Wind-up Bird Chronicle" and there is this scene quite in the beginning of the book where Toru Okada makes himself spaghetti while reading a book and it's so simple but seems so chill. I crave this lifestyle. Having no pressure to do something great. Just existing and being.  I know I sound lazy and demented but I genuinly am scared of being stuck in a job I hate. Day in and day out the same routine. Living on the weekends. Looking fo

 I know I haven't posted in a long time but life has been stressful. I moved out, changed my workplace and have a totally different life now. It's overwealming. But this isn't what I wanted to talk about today, I wanted to talk about having a longterm crush on someone, in my case it has actually been four years (I know, I'm not proud of it tbh).  Recently I have been writing in my diary again after not doing so for months and I also read old entries from 2018 and it's basically me gushing about someone who I honestly still would totally date and have tried to forget but it is difficult. It's not even like I dated them and we broke up and I can't get over them. Nope, I was in the almost friends phase for a while with them and then Covid came along and with homeschooling the beginning friendship stopped. Honestly, I do think that it was my fault for being super intimidated by them and I probably was weird around them because I was nervous so I do not blame the