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on having a long term crush on someone

 I know I haven't posted in a long time but life has been stressful. I moved out, changed my workplace and have a totally different life now. It's overwealming. But this isn't what I wanted to talk about today, I wanted to talk about having a longterm crush on someone, in my case it has actually been four years (I know, I'm not proud of it tbh). 

Recently I have been writing in my diary again after not doing so for months and I also read old entries from 2018 and it's basically me gushing about someone who I honestly still would totally date and have tried to forget but it is difficult. It's not even like I dated them and we broke up and I can't get over them. Nope, I was in the almost friends phase for a while with them and then Covid came along and with homeschooling the beginning friendship stopped. Honestly, I do think that it was my fault for being super intimidated by them and I probably was weird around them because I was nervous so I do not blame them. 

I literally wish we had dated (even just a week) and then broke up because that would make things so much easier. I wouldn't have "what if" thoughts and could just move on with my life. I feel like this situation is so much more complicated. So many breakup movies exist but name one movie where a person "breaks up" with their crush in their own mind. It's exhausting.

I have no advice to end this blogpost with (if you do, please share, I'm desperate), I just hope that someone feels less alone in this situation when reading this. 

Love as always,

Pluto

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